I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Oh boy, $150,000!
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*