I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
You Might Also Like
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Incredible customer service.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.