My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
those birds must be on payroll
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …