Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion