“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.