[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.