Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.