me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
So we got a goldfish…
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law