Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
gentlemen, hear me out
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Peace was never an option