My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
You Might Also Like
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”