Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
lost dog
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Pringles
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?