I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
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[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Happy Thanksgiving
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”