I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
You Might Also Like
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*updates tinder bio*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should