That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK