superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”