Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.