When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Don’t snitch tag.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Running from your problems is cardio .
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
WTF IS AN ACRONYM