“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE