just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I love art.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO