What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
*skinny dips into black hole
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?