You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
That 👊
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue