I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
smh
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
the worm is coming from inside the brain
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.