How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
When the stylist spins you back around
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?