Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My dad is at it again
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.