Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?