Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Forever 21… pounds overweight
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )