I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Harsh but fair
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.