Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Life hack
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
How to wake up a Beagle
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*