I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
i did the math
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid