Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I put the h in mysterious.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.