Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Breakfast for Stoners:
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’d hang this in my house.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.