Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five