I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.