A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky