Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed