Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.