Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
welcome back
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.