like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.