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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.