When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
It’s a gift
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.