I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.