Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win