I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts