cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
You Might Also Like
this isn’t threatening at all
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go