my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet