Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
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My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
had to make it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.