I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside