Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
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ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.