Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.