got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.